My Mom Tried to Buy Me Porn for Christmas
Photo by D Sharon Pruitt As a writer, I know the difference one single letter can make. Maya, a dear friend and publisher, once printed a thousand copies of a book in which “taping” was accidentally typed “raping.” That, my friends, is why I read my work out loud before I run it, as often as possible. … Read more
Baby Booties… and Spare Me the Cracks!
Be sure to check out Coppertone.comso they don’t sue me and stuff. It wasn’t too terribly long ago – in fact, it wasn’t nearly long enough ago – that I finally broke down, stopped shopping in the Juniors’ section, and asked for directions to the Misses’ section. The impetus, besides my hatefully widening hips, was … Read more
Dude, Where’s My Zucchini?
If you leave your car unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, do the police still say it’s a crime if someone takes it? Here’s the deal: The police say you’re stupid for leaving your keys in your unlocked car, but they do not say you’re not the victim of a crime. How do I … Read more
I Just Wrote About My Sex Life for a Sex Toy Site. I’m Sorry, Mom.
I think I’m taking embarrassing my parents to a whole new level. In fact, if it ever becomes an Olympic sport, I’m a shoo-in. Can’t you just see it? Anyway, I wrote about Christian sex, and how it’s not boring and is, in fact, quite the opposite for married couples with a sense of adventure. … Read more
Desperate to Escape the Booty Call
I must confess to reading Crissy’s Page. Crissy, for those who aren’t already secret fans like me, is a librarian. A foul-mouthed, blunt to the point of embarrassment, sex-talking librarian. She’s like the crazy cousin I never had. Actually, she’s better than the crazy cousins I actually have. Anyway, Crissy also blogs at Toy With … Read more
“My Dog Ate It” and Other Weird Explanations
I made the earth-friendly choice, and qualified for a full-body search. As you might imagine, seven kids, two adults, three dogs and two cats generate a lot of trips to the grocery store. In an effort to make my appointment to our city’s sustainability steering committee a slightly less laughable matter, I’ve been trying to … Read more
Get the "F" Outta Here!
That’s right… You know what word I’m talking about. It’s that four-letter word that makes you feel dirty; makes you feel like running and hiding, lest anyone see how uncomfortable it makes you. C’mon, now, spell it with me… F – E – A – R! Confession: I am terrified to read in public. I … Read more
I Think I’ll Curl Up and Diet
For years, I’ve said weight, much like age, is just a number. “What matters is how I feel,” I’ve said. Do I have enough energy? Can I move around comfortably? Do my clothes fit? As long as I could answer “yes” to those questions, the status quo sufficed. My bathroom scale – otherwise known as … Read more
Growth Forces Sale, Make an Offer!
For sale: 2 cubic feet of cellulite. Expansion forces sacrifice of this sizable collection. I’m willing to entertain all serious offers, but must confess I’ve become quite attached. Might make good insulation for custom building project or filling for overstuffed chair? Lovely cottage-cheese texture may make acceptable substitute for popcorn ceiling. No phone calls, please – … Read more
All the Wright Moves
The homeschooling next-door neighbors with six kids and the homeschooling family across the street with six kids laid hands on the huge trailer attached to our Suburban. They prayed for our safety, and thanked the Lord that we were leaving. Our northern Snohomish County community was nice enough, but we really were the freaks of … Read more
Ugly American: The Gonzo Mama in Japan
A light dusting of snow covered us as we made the five-minute walk from Tokyo Station to our hotel. At the entrance, I stooped down to put something in the small trash bin near the door. The debris fell out of my hand and I crouched low, picking it up. I didn’t crouch alone. The … Read more
Makeup Sex
Makeup sex (noun): cathartic copulation practiced by two consenting relationship-bound adults after a spat or argument, right? You fought. You’re sorry. You’re putting it all behind you with a little under-the-covers kiss and giggle. I used to think of “makeup sex” that way, too. I got over it. Now, “makeup sex” refers to the memorable … Read more
Shave and a Haircut…
… two bits TOO BAD. There I am, in all my makeup-free, split-end glory. I’m very aware of the fact that I need to get it cut before we go to Japan next month, but I’m sort of stalling. For no good reason, in fact. It’s not that I don’t want my hair cut. It’s … Read more
Bless Me, Blogger, For I Have Sinned…
It has been ten days since my last blog post. I realize that I have committed one of the deadly sins of blogging by allowing more than a week to pass between posts. During that time, I have been unfaithful to my blog by whoring myself out to write freelance pieces on topics that may … Read more
I Hope Jesus has a Sense of Humor
When GirlWonder’s fifth-grade teacher informed us that our darling was an excellent student but had a habit of “blurting” out of turn, I wasn’t surprised. In fact, I am pretty sure where she gets it. I harnessed my dubious talents of blurting and having a general lack of decorum at a very young age. In … Read more
Lord, Keep Them Safe
There are some pretty dangerous fires tonight in the Chelan Valley. GoLakeChelan.com is streaming video of the Union Valley fire and The Lake Chelan Mirror is tweeting about the fires here. Many of our residents are being evacuated from their homes, and some have already lost their homes. Others, like me, are sleeplessly worried about … Read more
Dear Mr. Wright…
Someday, after I get around to having that flap of stretched-out skin (You know, the one that hides my rock-hard abs?) surgically removed, you may wake up and realize that you are the father of an insane number of children, and that I am not as young as I was when we met. I’ll understand … Read more
Don’t Lie for Me, Argentina?
This just in: A politician had an extramarital affair. In other news, scientists have discovered the sky is blue. Infidelity is nothing new. In ancient mythology, the half-god, half-mortal characters of Perseus and Heracles were conceived during Zeus’s affairs, proving that, even then, leaders couldn’t keep it in their pants. In the Bible, King David … Read more
File This Under "Insanity Defense"
I make no excuses for being a stickler for good and proper use of the English language. I like to think I am pretty tolerant of strangers using words improperly or using “non-words” in what they think is an intelligent way, but hearing those close to me do the same is like driving four-inch nails … Read more
That’s My Boy! (Got the Tattoo to Prove It)
24-year-old father Eugene Ashley knows his three-year-old son is a daddy’s boy. In fact, Eugene is so sure of it that he tattooed the letters “DB” (for “Daddy’s Boy”) on the little guy’s shoulder. Let me get this straight: Baby Boy Ashley is now going to grow up with a “Daddy’s Boy” tattoo on his … Read more
