You Know You’re a Great Role Model When…
I’ve been trying to get across to the members of my family that Curlytop and Snugglebug are like over-sized camcorders these days. Anything we say or do is likely to be played back for us by one of our little cinematographers – most likely at the most humiliating or improper moment. So far, this has … Read more
My Mom Tried to Buy Me Porn for Christmas
Photo by D Sharon Pruitt As a writer, I know the difference one single letter can make. Maya, a dear friend and publisher, once printed a thousand copies of a book in which “taping” was accidentally typed “raping.” That, my friends, is why I read my work out loud before I run it, as often as possible. … Read more
Baby Booties… and Spare Me the Cracks!
Be sure to check out Coppertone.comso they don’t sue me and stuff. It wasn’t too terribly long ago – in fact, it wasn’t nearly long enough ago – that I finally broke down, stopped shopping in the Juniors’ section, and asked for directions to the Misses’ section. The impetus, besides my hatefully widening hips, was … Read more
I Blame My Animal Magnetism
Spiderman villain, Will o’ Wisp… feel his magnetism! Mr. Editor knows if I stop by the newspaper office, I’ll have just one question – “Who has an available outlet?” I possess the dubious gift of fouling up any electrical device. The “four-hour battery life” on my netbook is closer to twenty minutes, and my BlackBerry® … Read more
Desperate to Escape the Booty Call
I must confess to reading Crissy’s Page. Crissy, for those who aren’t already secret fans like me, is a librarian. A foul-mouthed, blunt to the point of embarrassment, sex-talking librarian. She’s like the crazy cousin I never had. Actually, she’s better than the crazy cousins I actually have. Anyway, Crissy also blogs at Toy With … Read more
Meeting Mr. Right… Or was it Wright?
Mr. Wright and I will celebrate a number of years of marriage next week. Unfortunately, there is some question as to exactly how many years we’ve been married. The number of years isn’t actually in question by anyone but me, but I’d never admit to Mr. Wright that I can never remember what year we … Read more
Get the "F" Outta Here!
That’s right… You know what word I’m talking about. It’s that four-letter word that makes you feel dirty; makes you feel like running and hiding, lest anyone see how uncomfortable it makes you. C’mon, now, spell it with me… F – E – A – R! Confession: I am terrified to read in public. I … Read more
I Think I’ll Curl Up and Diet
For years, I’ve said weight, much like age, is just a number. “What matters is how I feel,” I’ve said. Do I have enough energy? Can I move around comfortably? Do my clothes fit? As long as I could answer “yes” to those questions, the status quo sufficed. My bathroom scale – otherwise known as … Read more
Growth Forces Sale, Make an Offer!
For sale: 2 cubic feet of cellulite. Expansion forces sacrifice of this sizable collection. I’m willing to entertain all serious offers, but must confess I’ve become quite attached. Might make good insulation for custom building project or filling for overstuffed chair? Lovely cottage-cheese texture may make acceptable substitute for popcorn ceiling. No phone calls, please – … Read more
Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie… Or Anywhere Else, for That Matter
Last night I bought a copy of Elizabethtown at StuffMart. Perhaps it’s a sign of my rapidly accelerated aging process in the last few years, but the first time I saw the movie, I really keyed in to the great music, the Paul Varjak/Holly Golightly-type almost-romance between two beautiful people who were truly friends first, and the … Read more
Perhaps We’ve Been Married Too Long
A few days ago, I found myself with some extra time. Instead of contemplating the rose garden I never intend to plant, outlining my next novel, or polishing my shoes, I decided to take a shower. That’s right – it was before bedtime for the toddlers, and I managed to steal away into the shower. … Read more
A Little Privacy, Please!
The Gonzos have recently moved into a bigger home. With the exception of the additional space, my favorite feature is the locks on the bathroom doors. Confession: I haven’t gone to the bathroom or taken a shower without someone coming in for at least ten years. While I grew up with just one sibling in … Read more
Upgrading Our Space, Downsizing Our Housing Payment
We’ve outgrown our house, as families do – well, like OUR family does. When we bought our groovy three-bedroom-two-bath-postage-stamp-sized-yard home, we only had five kids. I know. I say that like a guy might say, “It’s ONLY fifty baseball caps.” What can I say? Some people collect cars. I happen to collect kids. After the … Read more
More Evidence for My Insanity Plea: Premonitions
Look, I’m not saying I’m clairvoyant or anything. What I am saying is that sometimes I have dreams, and they come true. My grandmother was known to read tea leaves and, by all accounts, was quite accurate. Most of the time, I don’t actually remember the particulars of a “seeing” dream until I’m in the … Read more
Pillow Talk With The Gonzo Mama: It’s Hot. I Know.
What do the parents of seven children talk about in bed? You wouldn’t believe me, if I told you. Take last night for example. Instead of falling promptly asleep, I was seized by a fit of giggles. Mr. Wright: What’s so funny? Me: I was just thinking how bad it would suck if a person … Read more
Bad Gratitude Monday: About That Haircut…
When last you saw me, perhaps I looked like this: I’m pleased to report that I got a haircut and did not walk out of the salon, cringing. The barber wasn’t in, though, so the ‘stache remains: Just kidding. I was feeling a bit left out at Cantina’s second annual Mustache Fiesta. I didn’t win … Read more
Makeup Sex
Makeup sex (noun): cathartic copulation practiced by two consenting relationship-bound adults after a spat or argument, right? You fought. You’re sorry. You’re putting it all behind you with a little under-the-covers kiss and giggle. I used to think of “makeup sex” that way, too. I got over it. Now, “makeup sex” refers to the memorable … Read more
Shave and a Haircut…
… two bits TOO BAD. There I am, in all my makeup-free, split-end glory. I’m very aware of the fact that I need to get it cut before we go to Japan next month, but I’m sort of stalling. For no good reason, in fact. It’s not that I don’t want my hair cut. It’s … Read more
