My Mom Tried to Buy Me Porn for Christmas
Photo by D Sharon Pruitt As a writer, I know the difference one single letter can make. Maya, a dear friend and publisher, once printed a thousand copies of a book in which “taping” was accidentally typed “raping.” That, my friends, is why I read my work out loud before I run it, as often as possible. … Read more
I Blame My Animal Magnetism
Spiderman villain, Will o’ Wisp… feel his magnetism! Mr. Editor knows if I stop by the newspaper office, I’ll have just one question – “Who has an available outlet?” I possess the dubious gift of fouling up any electrical device. The “four-hour battery life” on my netbook is closer to twenty minutes, and my BlackBerry® … Read more
Confessions of a Failed Earth Mama
I’m the most un-earthy Earth Mama out there. The problem, you see, is that I love the Earth, but the feeling is – sadly – unreciprocated. For all my crunchy goodness, I sure seem to have trouble communing with nature. First, there are the allergies. They are many: pollens, weeds, molds, grasses… I rarely walk … Read more
Dude, Where’s My Zucchini?
If you leave your car unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, do the police still say it’s a crime if someone takes it? Here’s the deal: The police say you’re stupid for leaving your keys in your unlocked car, but they do not say you’re not the victim of a crime. How do I … Read more
Get the "F" Outta Here!
That’s right… You know what word I’m talking about. It’s that four-letter word that makes you feel dirty; makes you feel like running and hiding, lest anyone see how uncomfortable it makes you. C’mon, now, spell it with me… F – E – A – R! Confession: I am terrified to read in public. I … Read more
Perhaps We’ve Been Married Too Long
A few days ago, I found myself with some extra time. Instead of contemplating the rose garden I never intend to plant, outlining my next novel, or polishing my shoes, I decided to take a shower. That’s right – it was before bedtime for the toddlers, and I managed to steal away into the shower. … Read more
Pillow Talk With The Gonzo Mama: It’s Hot. I Know.
What do the parents of seven children talk about in bed? You wouldn’t believe me, if I told you. Take last night for example. Instead of falling promptly asleep, I was seized by a fit of giggles. Mr. Wright: What’s so funny? Me: I was just thinking how bad it would suck if a person … Read more
Makeup Sex
Makeup sex (noun): cathartic copulation practiced by two consenting relationship-bound adults after a spat or argument, right? You fought. You’re sorry. You’re putting it all behind you with a little under-the-covers kiss and giggle. I used to think of “makeup sex” that way, too. I got over it. Now, “makeup sex” refers to the memorable … Read more
Shave and a Haircut…
… two bits TOO BAD. There I am, in all my makeup-free, split-end glory. I’m very aware of the fact that I need to get it cut before we go to Japan next month, but I’m sort of stalling. For no good reason, in fact. It’s not that I don’t want my hair cut. It’s … Read more
The Curse of the Mothers
(Yeah, that’s me. That photo was taken in May of my senior year of high school. What a hottie, huh?) When I was about sixteen years old, my mother expressed her earnest desire that, someday, I would have a daughter just like me. I wish I could say that her statement was a well-wishing of … Read more
I Can’t Take Her Anywhere: Guest Post by Mr. Wright
What’s it like, living with a troublemaker like The Gonzo Mama? Why not ask my guest blogger, Mr. Wright? I can’t take her anywhere. If there is one thing I can say about The Gonzo Mama, it is that I cannot take her anywhere, at least without her causing a scene of epic proportions. I … Read more
I’m a White Trash Girl Who’s Not Above Bowing to Political Pressure
Update:I’m over it. You can thank Tristan.
The Gonzo Mama: An Affront to Women?
“To tame incendiary bombs it takes a lot of sand. You’ll find it pays to always have a good supply on hand.” I’m so pleased. I’ve received more hate mail. The strange thing is, over the last year, I’ve only received two pieces of hate mail regarding my column, and they both come from the … Read more
Bless Me, Blogger, For I Have Sinned…
It has been ten days since my last blog post. I realize that I have committed one of the deadly sins of blogging by allowing more than a week to pass between posts. During that time, I have been unfaithful to my blog by whoring myself out to write freelance pieces on topics that may … Read more
Good Fences Make Good Voyeurs
Seriously, I’m not a snoop. That would be rude. However, circumstances frequently make it difficult not to know what’s going on with the neighbors. We live in a community that is, largely, filled with “second homes.” The owners of eighty percent of the houses in my neighborhood live three hours away, appear after 8:00 p.m. … Read more
You’ve Got (Hate) Mail
As I mentioned on Bad Gratitude Monday, The Gonzo Mama received her very first hate mail, cementing her place in the world of real columnists. For those not lucky enough to live in the distribution area of the Lake Chelan Mirror, I’m posting the letter, in all its glory. The letter came from Judy Brezina … Read more
Bad Gratitude Monday (Don’t Jump!)
Bad Gratitude Monday comes this week from Washington, D.C. during our annual trip for the National Association of REALTORS Mid-Year meeting! I have a lot to be grateful for today! 1. Our plane landed safely!2.Our suite is beautiful!3. I know I’ve finally arrived as a print columnist, because my editor called today to inform me … Read more
Sometimes, I’m the One Who Sucks
When I auditioned for Crimes of the Heart, I sort of secretly hoped I wouldn’t get cast. It sounds awful, I know, but I really have a lot going on. I kept thinking about the seven kids who needed help with homework, rides to and from therapy appointments, a mama to cook dinner for them … Read more
